Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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