Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
