I cockslap morals
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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