4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
