Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
