Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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