Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just threw up on my dentist
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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