Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
