It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
