I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
