I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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