Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
