I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
