During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
