Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
