Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
