the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
