Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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