Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
