Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
