my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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