I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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