alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
