He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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