It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
