Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
