Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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