i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
