I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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