She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
