Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
