He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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