I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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