Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
