What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
