his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
