Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
