I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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