I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
