I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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