I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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