Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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