Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Randomize
