please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
