So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
