I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
