dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
