I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
