I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
