He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
