I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
