So drunk, too bad you don't want this
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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